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My husband reached for me in the dark, the way he always had.
And for the first time in thirty years, I pretended to be asleep.
Not because I'd stopped loving him. Because it had started to hurt.
So I turned away, night after night, and said nothing at all.
He pulled back. I got ashamed. And a cold little space opened up in our bed…
I lay there certain that something in me was broken. Or worse, that we were.
Maybe you've turned away too. And hated yourself for it.
Nobody told me the truth. So let me tell you…
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Nothing down there is broken. You're just dry.
Estrogen kept the tissue down there thick, stretchy, and moist.
And as estrogen falls, that tissue gets thinner and drier. Doctors call it “atrophy”, a scary word for thinned-out skin.
So friction that once felt good now hurts. That's not tension. It's biology.
Desire runs on estrogen and testosterone. Both of them drop.
Add poor sleep, hot flashes, and stress, and wanting sex falls to the bottom of the list.
Think of a garden that always had water. Cut the water, and the soil dries and cracks. Nothing's wrong with the garden. It's just thirsty.
That tissue is the garden. Estrogen was the water.
This is not you failing. It's your body running dry.
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Read this part twice
You are not frigid, and you are not old before your time. And this is NOT the end of your sex life.
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And here's what I can't forgive. More than half of women deal with this after menopause.
Yet almost no one says it out loud. So you suffer in silence, sure you're the only one.
You're not the only one. Not even close…
And this is one of the most fixable things on the whole list.
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| ● A few things that may help, starting tonight |
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| Start with a good lubricant. For pain during sex, a water-based lube helps right away. |
| Add a vaginal moisturizer. Used every few days, it keeps the tissue healthier over time, and it works differently from a lube. |
| Ask about low-dose vaginal estrogen. It rebuilds the tissue itself, and very little reaches the rest of your body. |
| And keep the blood flowing. Regular intimacy, with a partner or alone, helps the tissue stay supple. |
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Your feed is selling “vaginal rejuvenation” right now. Lasers, jade eggs, tightening wands…
You don't need a laser to feel good again. For most women, no.
But will a $500 gadget fix what a small tube of estrogen cream can? …You know what I'll say.
Cheap and boring often beats shiny and expensive.
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The words to bring to your appointment
“Sex has become painful and my desire has dropped since perimenopause. I want to talk about vaginal estrogen and what's safe for me.”
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Of course, pain can have other causes worth ruling out. So bring it up. Don't push through it.
But most of the time, this is dryness. Ask for the boring cream.
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Has intimacy started to hurt or fade on you?
Just a quick poll. Your answer helps me choose what to cover next.
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We'll figure out the rest together.
— Diane
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P.S. You don't have to grit your teeth through it. Pain is a signal, and this one has a fix. Handle the dryness first, and the wanting often follows…
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